Whaling Adventure

We went to California this weekend to see the blue whales, all for Katy's birthday present. I'm talking about actual blue whales, here. The biggest animal EVAR! And we saw some. Big ones.

Having seen gray whales a few months ago, I was excited. I was awed by the hugeness of the gray whales, and I knew that the blue whales would be bigger. But how much bigger...wow...massive.

Here are some pictures that don't do the amazing creature justice.

After following this particular pair of whales for a few minutes, and getting only a long of glimpse, and a few crummy pictures, a boat full of partying drunkards came speeding through. This caused our whale friends to dive deep, change direction, and stay under for a long time, all in an attempted to ditch them (and us, unfortunately).

Well, we found them again, got off a picture or two, and the partying douche bags were back. Once again, we were searching for our whales. It went on and on like this for about 2 hours, until our allotted cruise time was up and we had to head back. We got to see a few dolphins on the way in.

The whole experience, though we did get some 'good' looks at some blue whales, left all 150ish of us pretty disgruntled about this particular boat load of jerks. Why did they have to screw with a bunch of people that were trying to have a good time. A good time they paid for. Why do some people "want to watch the world burn," as Nolan put it. That particular behavior is what is wrong with the world. Seriously.

Well, we still enjoyed ourselves. I got a little sunburned. And our little Katy-bug got to see her whales, even though she spent most of our ocean voyage sick below decks. She had been feeling off all morning, and the boat sent her over the edge, I guess. It was unfortunate that she missed most of the whale viewing, since the trip was for her. Maybe one day we can bring her back and do it again. And have a better overall experience.

The last part of our adventure involved getting back home. We were quite stuck in California. We'd flown out on JetBlue, on stand-by. But when we tried to fly home the same way, all the flights were full. So were Delta's, and the rest were too expensive (no non-rev agreements). We ended up driving home all of last night. A good 11 hours in the car.

It's Been a Long Time Coming...

Tauni has been asking me why I haven't blogged much lately. The truth is, I've been too busy and too tired.

I work about 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time is spent eating, exercising, sleeping or spending time with my family. It leaves little time for much else. And, I'm a little afraid that I'm in a graveyard spiral with my current work schedule. I hesitate to say anything, because I don't really want anyone to know how tired I really am. But the people close to me already know, at least somewhat, so it's really no big secret.

While my health, sanity, and happiness are suffering, our finances are finally improving. Barely. We were sinking fast with my general inability to keep a job. Now, we are holding steady, with some prospects for actual improvement on the horizon. Which is what is keeping me going, at the moment.

You see, the only thing I really want in this world right now is to support my family. I want to win enough bread to feed the sharks at my door. And I want Tauni to be able to quit her job and be a full-time mother again.

Tauni saw me playing a computer game yesterday and voiced some concern. You see, to her, I only play computer games when I'm depressed. Luckily, that isn't completely true, or I would have been considered chronically depressed since I was about twelve. But, there is a little grounds for worry, I guess. Though I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to fully unwind from the world each evening. Which contributes to my intermittent insomnia and a general deterioration of my temperament and sanity.

On top of it all, I think I've lost myself a little bit. A few months back I was on the fast-track to self-improvement actualization. I was doing better in almost all aspects of my life that mattered to me. But now...now I am stalled or back-sliding. In other words: If the secret to happiness is to live by what you believe, then I'm not happy.

For those of you reading the above paragraph, do not assume that I mean any extremely grievous sins. But I've almost completely ignored that banner thingy on the left (my standard) for the past several weeks, while at one point I was repeating it, or parts of it, to myself several times a day.

Now I am changing things. The ones I can, anyway. I'm taking hold of what sanity I have left and using it to bring back a little happiness. I'm tracking my food and exercise again, which means I'm eating right and exercising again. I'm being better to the people around me, especially my family. And I am being better to myself. And I hope to make it last.

Nothing to Fear...

Fear, in all of it's many disguises, has been on my mind a lot lately. I thought on it a little in my late-night stupor-induced blogging about Ferris Bueller. Fear is a big theme in my life, unfortunately. That's why I want to blog about it.

I live each day in fear. I'm not afraid of spiders, flying, heights, falling from heights, needles, tight spaces, open spaces, rodents, reptiles, public speaking, pervy old men, girls named Carrie, or even Santa Clause. What I am afraid of is much less substantial, less scary, and more debilitating. I'm afraid of failure and success.

What I don't understand is "why?" Because, if I did understand it I wouldn't be scared. Isn't that what psychology is for? Someone listens to you ramble about your problems until you figure them out for yourself? Once you get to 'why'...BAM! CURED! Right?

It would make my life easier, in some ways, to be able to sit down and say that I had a crappy childhood, or that I was sexually abused, etc. and some tears would flow. A gray haired fellow with his legs crossed the girl way would say "Ahh." and "Mhmm." a few times under his breath while doodling pictures in an official looking legal pad. I would pay him a couple hundred dollars and suddenly my life would be all better.

I do not mean to down play the importance of the noble profession of psychology/psychiatry, or belittle those that want/need it's particular breed of science. So, here is my other option:

I could have a short period, such as a few days or weeks, in which I would complete an archetypal story arc and through it all, my life would be permanently changed for the better. I would have a miserable go of it for a bit, and the audience would be emotionally vested in my successes and failures. Then I would have this great epiphany, or maybe save someone's life, solving all my problems.

After one of those possibilities, I would certainly be able to move forward with my life without my fears. I would suddenly be an unstoppable juggernaut of success. I would pity smaller men and their fears, laughing haughtily at all the world threw at me.

Alas, I cannot afford a shrink (nor do I really think that it is a quick fix), and I am not the protagonist in a movie. I'm a man in the real world. Sometimes I live all productively and happy, and life's darts seem to bound right off. Sometimes I am weaker and lower, and I'm pierced very deeply.

I battle on, trying to leave my dastardly, villainous fears behind me as I reach for the next success in my life. They creep in, though. Usually.

The jerks.

Now, how does one overcome fear? If you have a fear of heights, or spiders, or short people, it can be relatively easy. You can avoid them, or overcome them. But what about intangible fears, like mine? I can't avoid them, since I carry them inside me. The prospect of overcoming my fear of success through frequently succeeding seems like a more attractive prospect than overcoming my fear of failure the same way.

But, who knows, really? Rudyard Kipling says success and failure are both impostors. While I am inclined to believe him, he neglected to mention what they really are behind their masks. Maybe I'll get to ask him one day.

Hey, maybe I can just write a blog post about it and be cured? Maybe?

Hiking and Bueller

We officially kicked off summer. We went on or first mountain hike of the year. Well, it was technically in the mountains, but because of the unseasonal snow at the higher elevations, and the over-flowing, run-off fed rivers, none of our regular trails were available. We found a new one, barely outside the developed valley. And it was great.
Tonight once the kiddos were in bed, Tauni and I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Well, I watched it while Tauni played Sudoku.
I have to say that, for a movie that turned 25 this week, it's still a really good flick. And I want to throw out the parting line from Ferris (not counting that little bit after the credits).
He said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I'm no movie our life expert, but I think that that sentence sums up the while film perfectly.
Now, how many us know someone like Ferris in the real world? Someone that can go out into the world and make it theirs? Someone that lives every second of their life because they aren't afraid?
How many of us know someone that has everything go wrong? Someone that send accident prone or unlucky? Someone that seems perpetually frustrated or angry, especially with the world?
Which one are you?
I know that I spend far to much of my life in fear and frustration. And worse, I'm teaching it to my daughters.
We found another geocache today, while hiking. Tons. Of. Fun. We are going to find us a bunch of geocaches this summer.

Geocaching and Grave Digging

This weekend is our yearly pilgrimage to all of my wife's family grave sites. At our first stop, her maternal grandparents in Duchesne, we did a little grave repair, which I'm sure had a few people wondering what we were up to.
We also did a little geocaching. Which was a lot of fun. With a fun little app on my phone we had a full blown treasure hunt. It took a few minutes to find, even once we arrived at the gps coordinates.
Then we headed back to the hotel for some swimming. There is some mexican church group staying at the same hotel. The pool was so dang full that it didn't matter if you knew how swim our not. But then they were all called to some kind of saturday night religious meeting in which a guy with no singing skill bellowed out "¡YO QUIERO MAIS!" at the top of his lungs. But, the pool was sudfenly usable.

The Art of Self-Compulsion

The lessons and discussions in church this morning got me thinking. And this post will be putting those thoughts to paper.

If you are reading this, whether you are religious or not, I how you stick with me. This post is about mankind, not religion or God.

We were taking about prayer, specifically about praying for our Heavenly Father to place specific opportunities in our lives. And it occured to me: what we are really praying for is to be compelledinto those opportunities.

For example, when we prayfor help being more humble, what we are really asking is for Him to make us humble. I think it is human nature to look fire someone to do the hard part for us. In some ways I think atheists have an advantage in this regard. They believe that there is no one there to help them, and so they are more motivated to act.

Now, I do believe in God. So, I do find myself sitting around waiting for asked-for blessings to start raining in on me.

But, this is wrong. Religious our not, atheist or Muslim, Jew, or Christian, you have to work on yourself. And for yourself.

Ok, now I want to leave theology behind and talk solely about people. I hope you're all still with me (is it funny that I pretend to have readers, our just sad?).

So, how do we, as the post title suggest, self-coerce? Or self-motivate? How do we move ourselves forward in lieu of waiting for others to do out for us?

I think that self-improvement is important to just about everyone. But I think our own motivations often slide around, between self-gratification, self-improvement, and sometimes even self-destruction. Actual selfless-ness is pretty rare, if not completely foreign, for most of us.

I'm rambling. Sorry.

Let's get back on track with an example. I want to learn to play the guitar. I've even made some really good starts in teaching myself. But, after years of owning a guitar, and all of the materials that I need to learn, why can I still not play guitar? Truthfully? I think it's because it takes actual effort on my part and no amount of waiting for someone to do that work for me if going to work. I can't just pray for it and suddenly rival Slash.

So what other personal improvements am I waiting for someone to do for me? I have no job. Maybe someone is going to just approach me and offer to hire me to do my dream job for an absurd amount of money. Yeah, I'm sure that's how it will happen. Or, maybe, if I go out there and do some searching along with my praying, I'll find something, an opportunity of some kind, to support my family financially.

I guess I don't really know what my point was in all this rambling nonsense. Maybe just that we need to stop waiting and start doing. Maybe this has just ben a whole lot of chewing myself out. I know I needed it.

Date Night - Sushi and Fair Game

After suffering through 3 hours of an elementary school carnival, Tauni took me out on a date. All the movies out right now look like cinematic excrement, so we just went to dinner, then rented a movie to watch at home.

First after wandering around town wondering where to eat, we headed to Wabi Sabi. We'd heard good things and wanted to try it out. Tauni is somewhat of a sushi virgin, and I'm none too experienced with it myself. But, we were daring and after long moments or indecision, ordered two sushi rolls and some gyosa. Both rolls of sushi contained raw tuna.  And they were delicious.

As a side note, just because you can eat wasabi peas by the handful, does not mean that you can take fresh wasabi and it in similar quantities. I've learned that lesson the hard way. Tauni almost got us kicked out of the restaurant, she was laughing so hard.

We both left stuffed, though we didn't get that much food. And, apparently, they don't let you take sushi home in doggy bags, so we had to leave a few sections behind.

We found a redbox and rented Fair Game, which turned out to be a pretty good movie. I am always impressed with Sean Penn's acting, even though he seems like such a douche in real life. The movie, is part spy flick, part government expose, and part drama. It makes you think a bit about government power, and how much they may or may not be abusing it. And it made be remember this quote:

"Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it." — Mark Twain

Most people think that country and government are one and the same. But, they are not.

I guess now I should probably go on record and say that I am not one of those anti-government conspiracy theorists. Do I think our government lies to us? Yeah, they do. Do I think they destroy families and peoples lives and mold data to fit whatever their agenda happens to be at the time? Of course they do. Was Bush a corrupt president? Probably, and I think Obama probably is too.

The problem we face as Americans is that we cannot believe anything we hear in the media. They, also, spin data to match their agenda.

The only way to get corruption out of government (and media) is to get corruption out of people. No matter how perfectly setup a system of government is, there will always be people that want to exploit any loophole or twist it for their own ends.