More Motivation Required

Lately, by which I mean the last several months, I have had a hard time motivating myself to be a better person. I don't exercise like I should, eat like I should, or do other things I should (which I won't go into since this post is about weight-loss).

Now, I'll tell you the truth: I'm not a happy camper. My life is so distorted by debt and work, and dominated by sleepiness and needs, that I can hardly do what I am doing. And the thought of adding more tips my mental stability meter dangerously towards bathing with the toaster.

Someone make me run...please?

Why I Want to Lose the LBS

For the second day in a row, I am stealing from 125. I'm not sorry for it. I figure the link counts as adequate payment.

Now to my highly organized and bulleted list of the reasons I want to lose weight. Just to inform you all, every item listed is something I have thought long and hard about, not just made up to blog about. We both (my one reader and I) know that I would never stoop so low.

• I want to FEEL healthy. The difference between how I felt 9 months ago and today is about as drastic as I can imagine. I couldn't run more that a dozen meters, I felt tired and sluggish and all I ever wanted was to stuff my face with junk food. Now, though tired from lack of sleep, I can run for miles without a problem, I am stronger and feel fitter. I am more agile and get sick less. I imagine that losing the rest of the weight will be another, somewhat less drastic, change.
• I want to LOOK better. I will never be a handsome man, no matter how healthy I am. I would literally need more help than modern medicine is prepared to give, at any price. I wasn't blessed with good looks to begin with, and the mutilation of my face with a freeway didn't exactly make it better (although, the face scars automatically qualified me for a Man Card at an early age). However, I do think that I can have a good looking body. Despite my advanced years, I really want to see my six-pack again. I know it's in there somewhere.
• I want to be judged positively. This is a weird one, I know. I have seen for years, and participated in it as well (much to my shame), the judgement of people based on appearance. Just about everyone does it. It's wrong, whether they judge nicely or not. Since I know people will judge me based on my looks, I want to have a physique that will cause them to judge me as hard working, intelligent, etc. Overweight people are immediately judged by most people to be lazy and ignorant. It's wrong, and doesn't apply to any overweight person I know. But there it is.
• Don't let the kids/prudes read this one. Consider yourself warned. I want better sex. Healthy skinny people have better sex. Plain and simple. My sex life and satisfaction has improved as my wife and I have lost weight. I assume that I can get even better. And perhaps more acrobatic. *wink*
• I want to be an athlete. I want to run faster, jump higher, and lift more. I want to run in 5k's, 10k's, half-marathons, and even (*shudder*) marathons. Well, maybe just marathon. And I want to learn Kung Fu.
• I've always seen myself as a protector. Or, I guess I should say, I have always felt that it is my calling to protect others. So much so, that I almost joined the military. Obese people aren't protectors. They cannot move fast enough to respond to danger. I've seen it, so don't argue. There are obviously varying degrees of obesity, however, the better shape you are in, the more equipped you are to act in a given situation.
• I want to help other people lose weight. I don't want to be a personal trainer. But, perhaps people who knew me fat will see me skinny and ask me how I did it. And when I tell them "eating right and exercise," they won't get snarky and slink away.
• It's part of my overall health plan, which also includes spiritual, mental, and social healths. I live by a relatively strict health code, and though not expressly forbidden, I believe that living within a healthy weight range is implicit.
• To prove the nay-sayers wrong. There are two kinds of nay-sayer. The first kind says it can't be done. Such as "you will never reach your goal of ___ lbs." The second kind says it doesn't need to be done. They say such things as "you don't have any more weight to lose." Both drag you down and demotivate you. I will do it, of for no other reason (even though I just list like 7) than to flash my six pack and say "I did it, $%@$#-canoe."
• I want to set a good example for my children. This one is pretty straight forward. The best way for my kids to learn how to live a healthy life is by my teaching them. Setting the right example is a major part in that.

So, some of my reasons are pretty shallow. Some, I hope, are not-so-shallow. This is my first time ever listing my reasons for losing weight. In written form, at least. It proved to pretty cathartic.

If you read this (then I'm married to you, haha), please let me know what you think.

Oh, and I need to add pictures to my posts more often, so here you go:

And if you buy me the shirt that this is from, I'll love you forever. Seriously.

I'm In!

On another blog I read, the author is re-committing herself to weight-loss. I, also, am in dire need of some weight-loss re-commitment.


You see, back at Christmas time of last year (2010, the year from hell), I finally got fed up with myself and how I looked and felt. So, I started losing weight. I lost 45 lbs. in 5 months. Which is pretty dang good, if I do say so myself.


But things like job loss, lack of familial support, new jobs, and utter exhaustion have all conspired to derail me from my continued shrinkitude. And in the last few months I have lost no weight, and even gained back some.


So, I am re-committing to my weight-loss today. I am holding myself accountable to my blog reader. I weigh 209.7 lbs, as of this morning. I have about* 20 lbs. to lose.


I ran this morning. It hurt. I have been really lax in my running lately, and so my conditioning is starting over, in a lot of ways. I plan on doing some more exercise this evening after work. Maybe one of the P90X workouts.


I've been pretty good on food today. If it weren't for the potato chips I ate after lunch, I would have had an amazing food day.


* I say 'about 20 lbs.' because I don't really know where I want to stop. I depends on muscle gain and overall appearance.

It's Been a Long Time Coming...

Tauni has been asking me why I haven't blogged much lately. The truth is, I've been too busy and too tired.

I work about 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time is spent eating, exercising, sleeping or spending time with my family. It leaves little time for much else. And, I'm a little afraid that I'm in a graveyard spiral with my current work schedule. I hesitate to say anything, because I don't really want anyone to know how tired I really am. But the people close to me already know, at least somewhat, so it's really no big secret.

While my health, sanity, and happiness are suffering, our finances are finally improving. Barely. We were sinking fast with my general inability to keep a job. Now, we are holding steady, with some prospects for actual improvement on the horizon. Which is what is keeping me going, at the moment.

You see, the only thing I really want in this world right now is to support my family. I want to win enough bread to feed the sharks at my door. And I want Tauni to be able to quit her job and be a full-time mother again.

Tauni saw me playing a computer game yesterday and voiced some concern. You see, to her, I only play computer games when I'm depressed. Luckily, that isn't completely true, or I would have been considered chronically depressed since I was about twelve. But, there is a little grounds for worry, I guess. Though I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to fully unwind from the world each evening. Which contributes to my intermittent insomnia and a general deterioration of my temperament and sanity.

On top of it all, I think I've lost myself a little bit. A few months back I was on the fast-track to self-improvement actualization. I was doing better in almost all aspects of my life that mattered to me. But now...now I am stalled or back-sliding. In other words: If the secret to happiness is to live by what you believe, then I'm not happy.

For those of you reading the above paragraph, do not assume that I mean any extremely grievous sins. But I've almost completely ignored that banner thingy on the left (my standard) for the past several weeks, while at one point I was repeating it, or parts of it, to myself several times a day.

Now I am changing things. The ones I can, anyway. I'm taking hold of what sanity I have left and using it to bring back a little happiness. I'm tracking my food and exercise again, which means I'm eating right and exercising again. I'm being better to the people around me, especially my family. And I am being better to myself. And I hope to make it last.

Green Monster

After running 6.51 miles on the treadmill this morning, I had this yummy green monster shake. It consists if fresh fruit, protein powder, and a butt-load of spinach. Turns out it was freakin' delicious.

"Daddy, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your shake looks like throw-up." -Elyse

I'm OVERWEIGHT! Woo-hoo!!

I know, I know...being overweight isn't something you'd normally celebrate. But today it is, for me. For the past couple of years, I have been obese. And, as of this morning, I'm not. I'm only overweight.

So, I'm gonna say it again: WOO-HOO!  I'M OVERWEIGHT!

Honestly, I didn't expect this milestone for a few more days, but weight just fell off me between yesterday and today. I lost 2.2 lbs. Verified on 2 separate scales, so I know it's legit.

To celebrate, I went to the gym and burned 800 calories on the treadmill.

"What Caused You to Get Fat?"

On one of the forums that I frequent, one geared towards weight-loss and healthy living, someone asked the question “What caused you to get fat?” Instead of answering there, I thought I’d blog about it.

I read through a slew of excuses. People blamed kids, injuries, over-eating, depression, laziness, and even gremlins. You can go read the thread here. Or just skip it. I would.

The thing is, no my own weight gain sneaked up on me. I gained weight because I wasn't paying attention. One day, I was the picture of health. The next day, a few years later, I was a mush ball of goo, more like a picture of fuzzy jello. That isn't exactly true, and there were many contributing factors, including the above mentioned (except maybe the gremlins). But the biggest contributor was that I wasn't living my life. Life was running me, and I was just going through the motions.

I can't say that one day I just woke up and said "@$%&, I'm fat!" Because I didn't. I didn't even wake up and say "@$%&, I'm not living my life!" It was a long process. Or, I should say, it has been and continues to be a long process.

I started waking up around Christmas 2010, and still doing so. And it is changing my whole life, not just my fitness level. I slide, on occasion, or often, back into old habits. Much of this week has been like that, leaving me pretty angry with myself.

That's how I got fat.

Why's it always gotta be FOOD?

Okay, I'm not trying to put down something nice that someone else did for me. I really do appreciate it. Just, in the future, let it not be food.

My in-laws took our little family, as a birthday present to my wife and I, out to dinner tonight at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. I served the Lord for two years in Brasil. I love the people and the food. It was a great gift, for a guy that hasn't committed himself to becoming healthy and losing all of the extra weight he's been carrying around.

My real annoyance is this: That every little milestone in life must be commemorated with oodles of fatty, sugary foods.

Why?

Why are we so addicted to stuffing our faces at every happy, sad, or mildly interesting occasion?

Okay, actually, I do know why. But I want to break out of that. I no longer want anything to do with it. I don't want cake on birthdays, or popcorn at movies. I don't want funeral potatoes at funerals. Or that soapy tasting chocolate shaped like a temple at weddings. Candy and chocolate at Easter, Halloween, Valentines and Christmas. I want out. From all of it. I was as guilty as the next guy of pushing the fatty, sugary, chocolaty treats. How many times did I buy a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day for my wife, while she struggled to lose her extra pounds. What a horrible husband I was.

I do want to continue to enjoy the occasional dessert, in moderation. I'll have a chocolate something or other, or a few Ju-Ju Fruits (Twinkies and jelly beans are banned forever). But I don't want them nearly as much as they are pushed at me.

Let's, instead of having cake, play games. Instead of chocolate bunnies, lets spend time together. Instead of fudge and chocolate dipped pretzels for your neighbors, how about a bowl of fruit, or a heartfelt gift.

Now, I just need to be careful climbing down off this soapbox...

...and onto a treadmill.

Bad Weekend Remorse

I ate bad this weekend. Especially on Sunday. The regret that hit after each morsel of food I stuffed into my mouth didn't deter the next morsel at all. What is wrong with me? Seriously...

Well, to make up for my horribleness yesterday, I am being extra hard on myself today. I burned almost 1000 calories this morning before work, and so far have eaten a total of 677 calories. So, I am still in a deficit. And, I plan to end the day in a deficit, as I plan on working out a little more this evening. And nothing, unless it is absolutely healthy, is going in my mouth today. For the rest of the week I wont be as extreme, but today, I need punished.

I also signed up for the Front Runner Metric Century (100km) bike ride on April 9. That's 62 miles, for us Americans. So, this week you will see some stationary bike added to my workouts, as I do not have access to a real bike. I need to find one, though.

I'm also, if I can swing the $100 entrance fee, planning on running Ragnar this year.  That, and if I can get a Friday off work.

I am working to get the weight off, get in shape, and to look super sexy*. It's a long, uphill road. But it was a longer downhill glide that got me here.



*Actually looking even remotely sexy in any way is beyond my physical limits, even at peak physical condition. The best I can hope for is to no longer scare small children.

Sub 220

Pounds, that is. As in the unit of weight measurement. This morning, I weighed in at a somewhat fluffy 218.9 lbs.

That is a total weight-loss of 30.1 since Christmas.

Yesterday, I was pretty discouraged by life, in general. I was down on myself and the way things were going with my job. And, I was felling extremely unmotivated. Even repeating my Standard in my head, and occasionally out loud, didn't seem to help much.

So, I decided that to turn myself around I would go running as soon as I got home. I almost didn't do it though. Life and family, the former being aggravating, the latter enticing, were trying to stop me.

But I went. And it was awesome. I ran about 3.2 miles, my longest run since I was a junior in high school. And I tackled a mega hill. It felt really good.

And then, to top it all off, when I got home I got the best news I had heard in a long time: My wife doesn't have cancer. The awesomeness was definitely on the rise at this point.

Following this morning's awesome weigh-in, I went to the gym and tore it up some more. Then I came to work, which is where I am writing this. So far, it's been pretty good too.

Here's to an amazing day.