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Why I Want to Lose the LBS

For the second day in a row, I am stealing from 125. I'm not sorry for it. I figure the link counts as adequate payment.

Now to my highly organized and bulleted list of the reasons I want to lose weight. Just to inform you all, every item listed is something I have thought long and hard about, not just made up to blog about. We both (my one reader and I) know that I would never stoop so low.

• I want to FEEL healthy. The difference between how I felt 9 months ago and today is about as drastic as I can imagine. I couldn't run more that a dozen meters, I felt tired and sluggish and all I ever wanted was to stuff my face with junk food. Now, though tired from lack of sleep, I can run for miles without a problem, I am stronger and feel fitter. I am more agile and get sick less. I imagine that losing the rest of the weight will be another, somewhat less drastic, change.
• I want to LOOK better. I will never be a handsome man, no matter how healthy I am. I would literally need more help than modern medicine is prepared to give, at any price. I wasn't blessed with good looks to begin with, and the mutilation of my face with a freeway didn't exactly make it better (although, the face scars automatically qualified me for a Man Card at an early age). However, I do think that I can have a good looking body. Despite my advanced years, I really want to see my six-pack again. I know it's in there somewhere.
• I want to be judged positively. This is a weird one, I know. I have seen for years, and participated in it as well (much to my shame), the judgement of people based on appearance. Just about everyone does it. It's wrong, whether they judge nicely or not. Since I know people will judge me based on my looks, I want to have a physique that will cause them to judge me as hard working, intelligent, etc. Overweight people are immediately judged by most people to be lazy and ignorant. It's wrong, and doesn't apply to any overweight person I know. But there it is.
• Don't let the kids/prudes read this one. Consider yourself warned. I want better sex. Healthy skinny people have better sex. Plain and simple. My sex life and satisfaction has improved as my wife and I have lost weight. I assume that I can get even better. And perhaps more acrobatic. *wink*
• I want to be an athlete. I want to run faster, jump higher, and lift more. I want to run in 5k's, 10k's, half-marathons, and even (*shudder*) marathons. Well, maybe just marathon. And I want to learn Kung Fu.
• I've always seen myself as a protector. Or, I guess I should say, I have always felt that it is my calling to protect others. So much so, that I almost joined the military. Obese people aren't protectors. They cannot move fast enough to respond to danger. I've seen it, so don't argue. There are obviously varying degrees of obesity, however, the better shape you are in, the more equipped you are to act in a given situation.
• I want to help other people lose weight. I don't want to be a personal trainer. But, perhaps people who knew me fat will see me skinny and ask me how I did it. And when I tell them "eating right and exercise," they won't get snarky and slink away.
• It's part of my overall health plan, which also includes spiritual, mental, and social healths. I live by a relatively strict health code, and though not expressly forbidden, I believe that living within a healthy weight range is implicit.
• To prove the nay-sayers wrong. There are two kinds of nay-sayer. The first kind says it can't be done. Such as "you will never reach your goal of ___ lbs." The second kind says it doesn't need to be done. They say such things as "you don't have any more weight to lose." Both drag you down and demotivate you. I will do it, of for no other reason (even though I just list like 7) than to flash my six pack and say "I did it, $%@$#-canoe."
• I want to set a good example for my children. This one is pretty straight forward. The best way for my kids to learn how to live a healthy life is by my teaching them. Setting the right example is a major part in that.

So, some of my reasons are pretty shallow. Some, I hope, are not-so-shallow. This is my first time ever listing my reasons for losing weight. In written form, at least. It proved to pretty cathartic.

If you read this (then I'm married to you, haha), please let me know what you think.

Oh, and I need to add pictures to my posts more often, so here you go:

And if you buy me the shirt that this is from, I'll love you forever. Seriously.

I'm In!

On another blog I read, the author is re-committing herself to weight-loss. I, also, am in dire need of some weight-loss re-commitment.


You see, back at Christmas time of last year (2010, the year from hell), I finally got fed up with myself and how I looked and felt. So, I started losing weight. I lost 45 lbs. in 5 months. Which is pretty dang good, if I do say so myself.


But things like job loss, lack of familial support, new jobs, and utter exhaustion have all conspired to derail me from my continued shrinkitude. And in the last few months I have lost no weight, and even gained back some.


So, I am re-committing to my weight-loss today. I am holding myself accountable to my blog reader. I weigh 209.7 lbs, as of this morning. I have about* 20 lbs. to lose.


I ran this morning. It hurt. I have been really lax in my running lately, and so my conditioning is starting over, in a lot of ways. I plan on doing some more exercise this evening after work. Maybe one of the P90X workouts.


I've been pretty good on food today. If it weren't for the potato chips I ate after lunch, I would have had an amazing food day.


* I say 'about 20 lbs.' because I don't really know where I want to stop. I depends on muscle gain and overall appearance.

Whaling Adventure

We went to California this weekend to see the blue whales, all for Katy's birthday present. I'm talking about actual blue whales, here. The biggest animal EVAR! And we saw some. Big ones.

Having seen gray whales a few months ago, I was excited. I was awed by the hugeness of the gray whales, and I knew that the blue whales would be bigger. But how much bigger...wow...massive.

Here are some pictures that don't do the amazing creature justice.

After following this particular pair of whales for a few minutes, and getting only a long of glimpse, and a few crummy pictures, a boat full of partying drunkards came speeding through. This caused our whale friends to dive deep, change direction, and stay under for a long time, all in an attempted to ditch them (and us, unfortunately).

Well, we found them again, got off a picture or two, and the partying douche bags were back. Once again, we were searching for our whales. It went on and on like this for about 2 hours, until our allotted cruise time was up and we had to head back. We got to see a few dolphins on the way in.

The whole experience, though we did get some 'good' looks at some blue whales, left all 150ish of us pretty disgruntled about this particular boat load of jerks. Why did they have to screw with a bunch of people that were trying to have a good time. A good time they paid for. Why do some people "want to watch the world burn," as Nolan put it. That particular behavior is what is wrong with the world. Seriously.

Well, we still enjoyed ourselves. I got a little sunburned. And our little Katy-bug got to see her whales, even though she spent most of our ocean voyage sick below decks. She had been feeling off all morning, and the boat sent her over the edge, I guess. It was unfortunate that she missed most of the whale viewing, since the trip was for her. Maybe one day we can bring her back and do it again. And have a better overall experience.

The last part of our adventure involved getting back home. We were quite stuck in California. We'd flown out on JetBlue, on stand-by. But when we tried to fly home the same way, all the flights were full. So were Delta's, and the rest were too expensive (no non-rev agreements). We ended up driving home all of last night. A good 11 hours in the car.

It's Been a Long Time Coming...

Tauni has been asking me why I haven't blogged much lately. The truth is, I've been too busy and too tired.

I work about 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time is spent eating, exercising, sleeping or spending time with my family. It leaves little time for much else. And, I'm a little afraid that I'm in a graveyard spiral with my current work schedule. I hesitate to say anything, because I don't really want anyone to know how tired I really am. But the people close to me already know, at least somewhat, so it's really no big secret.

While my health, sanity, and happiness are suffering, our finances are finally improving. Barely. We were sinking fast with my general inability to keep a job. Now, we are holding steady, with some prospects for actual improvement on the horizon. Which is what is keeping me going, at the moment.

You see, the only thing I really want in this world right now is to support my family. I want to win enough bread to feed the sharks at my door. And I want Tauni to be able to quit her job and be a full-time mother again.

Tauni saw me playing a computer game yesterday and voiced some concern. You see, to her, I only play computer games when I'm depressed. Luckily, that isn't completely true, or I would have been considered chronically depressed since I was about twelve. But, there is a little grounds for worry, I guess. Though I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to fully unwind from the world each evening. Which contributes to my intermittent insomnia and a general deterioration of my temperament and sanity.

On top of it all, I think I've lost myself a little bit. A few months back I was on the fast-track to self-improvement actualization. I was doing better in almost all aspects of my life that mattered to me. But now...now I am stalled or back-sliding. In other words: If the secret to happiness is to live by what you believe, then I'm not happy.

For those of you reading the above paragraph, do not assume that I mean any extremely grievous sins. But I've almost completely ignored that banner thingy on the left (my standard) for the past several weeks, while at one point I was repeating it, or parts of it, to myself several times a day.

Now I am changing things. The ones I can, anyway. I'm taking hold of what sanity I have left and using it to bring back a little happiness. I'm tracking my food and exercise again, which means I'm eating right and exercising again. I'm being better to the people around me, especially my family. And I am being better to myself. And I hope to make it last.

Nothing to Fear...

Fear, in all of it's many disguises, has been on my mind a lot lately. I thought on it a little in my late-night stupor-induced blogging about Ferris Bueller. Fear is a big theme in my life, unfortunately. That's why I want to blog about it.

I live each day in fear. I'm not afraid of spiders, flying, heights, falling from heights, needles, tight spaces, open spaces, rodents, reptiles, public speaking, pervy old men, girls named Carrie, or even Santa Clause. What I am afraid of is much less substantial, less scary, and more debilitating. I'm afraid of failure and success.

What I don't understand is "why?" Because, if I did understand it I wouldn't be scared. Isn't that what psychology is for? Someone listens to you ramble about your problems until you figure them out for yourself? Once you get to 'why'...BAM! CURED! Right?

It would make my life easier, in some ways, to be able to sit down and say that I had a crappy childhood, or that I was sexually abused, etc. and some tears would flow. A gray haired fellow with his legs crossed the girl way would say "Ahh." and "Mhmm." a few times under his breath while doodling pictures in an official looking legal pad. I would pay him a couple hundred dollars and suddenly my life would be all better.

I do not mean to down play the importance of the noble profession of psychology/psychiatry, or belittle those that want/need it's particular breed of science. So, here is my other option:

I could have a short period, such as a few days or weeks, in which I would complete an archetypal story arc and through it all, my life would be permanently changed for the better. I would have a miserable go of it for a bit, and the audience would be emotionally vested in my successes and failures. Then I would have this great epiphany, or maybe save someone's life, solving all my problems.

After one of those possibilities, I would certainly be able to move forward with my life without my fears. I would suddenly be an unstoppable juggernaut of success. I would pity smaller men and their fears, laughing haughtily at all the world threw at me.

Alas, I cannot afford a shrink (nor do I really think that it is a quick fix), and I am not the protagonist in a movie. I'm a man in the real world. Sometimes I live all productively and happy, and life's darts seem to bound right off. Sometimes I am weaker and lower, and I'm pierced very deeply.

I battle on, trying to leave my dastardly, villainous fears behind me as I reach for the next success in my life. They creep in, though. Usually.

The jerks.

Now, how does one overcome fear? If you have a fear of heights, or spiders, or short people, it can be relatively easy. You can avoid them, or overcome them. But what about intangible fears, like mine? I can't avoid them, since I carry them inside me. The prospect of overcoming my fear of success through frequently succeeding seems like a more attractive prospect than overcoming my fear of failure the same way.

But, who knows, really? Rudyard Kipling says success and failure are both impostors. While I am inclined to believe him, he neglected to mention what they really are behind their masks. Maybe I'll get to ask him one day.

Hey, maybe I can just write a blog post about it and be cured? Maybe?

Hiking and Bueller

We officially kicked off summer. We went on or first mountain hike of the year. Well, it was technically in the mountains, but because of the unseasonal snow at the higher elevations, and the over-flowing, run-off fed rivers, none of our regular trails were available. We found a new one, barely outside the developed valley. And it was great.
Tonight once the kiddos were in bed, Tauni and I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Well, I watched it while Tauni played Sudoku.
I have to say that, for a movie that turned 25 this week, it's still a really good flick. And I want to throw out the parting line from Ferris (not counting that little bit after the credits).
He said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I'm no movie our life expert, but I think that that sentence sums up the while film perfectly.
Now, how many us know someone like Ferris in the real world? Someone that can go out into the world and make it theirs? Someone that lives every second of their life because they aren't afraid?
How many of us know someone that has everything go wrong? Someone that send accident prone or unlucky? Someone that seems perpetually frustrated or angry, especially with the world?
Which one are you?
I know that I spend far to much of my life in fear and frustration. And worse, I'm teaching it to my daughters.
We found another geocache today, while hiking. Tons. Of. Fun. We are going to find us a bunch of geocaches this summer.