Tauni has been asking me why I haven't blogged much lately. The truth is, I've been too busy and too tired.
I work about 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time is spent eating, exercising, sleeping or spending time with my family. It leaves little time for much else. And, I'm a little afraid that I'm in a graveyard spiral with my current work schedule. I hesitate to say anything, because I don't really want anyone to know how tired I really am. But the people close to me already know, at least somewhat, so it's really no big secret.
While my health, sanity, and happiness are suffering, our finances are finally improving. Barely. We were sinking fast with my general inability to keep a job. Now, we are holding steady, with some prospects for actual improvement on the horizon. Which is what is keeping me going, at the moment.
You see, the only thing I really want in this world right now is to support my family. I want to win enough bread to feed the sharks at my door. And I want Tauni to be able to quit her job and be a full-time mother again.
Tauni saw me playing a computer game yesterday and voiced some concern. You see, to her, I only play computer games when I'm depressed. Luckily, that isn't completely true, or I would have been considered chronically depressed since I was about twelve. But, there is a little grounds for worry, I guess. Though I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to fully unwind from the world each evening. Which contributes to my intermittent insomnia and a general deterioration of my temperament and sanity.
On top of it all, I think I've lost myself a little bit. A few months back I was on the fast-track to self-improvement actualization. I was doing better in almost all aspects of my life that mattered to me. But now...now I am stalled or back-sliding. In other words: If the secret to happiness is to live by what you believe, then I'm not happy.
For those of you reading the above paragraph, do not assume that I mean any extremely grievous sins. But I've almost completely ignored that banner thingy on the left (my standard) for the past several weeks, while at one point I was repeating it, or parts of it, to myself several times a day.
Now I am changing things. The ones I can, anyway. I'm taking hold of what sanity I have left and using it to bring back a little happiness. I'm tracking my food and exercise again, which means I'm eating right and exercising again. I'm being better to the people around me, especially my family. And I am being better to myself. And I hope to make it last.
