More Motivation Required

Lately, by which I mean the last several months, I have had a hard time motivating myself to be a better person. I don't exercise like I should, eat like I should, or do other things I should (which I won't go into since this post is about weight-loss).

Now, I'll tell you the truth: I'm not a happy camper. My life is so distorted by debt and work, and dominated by sleepiness and needs, that I can hardly do what I am doing. And the thought of adding more tips my mental stability meter dangerously towards bathing with the toaster.

Someone make me run...please?

It's Been a Long Time Coming...

Tauni has been asking me why I haven't blogged much lately. The truth is, I've been too busy and too tired.

I work about 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time is spent eating, exercising, sleeping or spending time with my family. It leaves little time for much else. And, I'm a little afraid that I'm in a graveyard spiral with my current work schedule. I hesitate to say anything, because I don't really want anyone to know how tired I really am. But the people close to me already know, at least somewhat, so it's really no big secret.

While my health, sanity, and happiness are suffering, our finances are finally improving. Barely. We were sinking fast with my general inability to keep a job. Now, we are holding steady, with some prospects for actual improvement on the horizon. Which is what is keeping me going, at the moment.

You see, the only thing I really want in this world right now is to support my family. I want to win enough bread to feed the sharks at my door. And I want Tauni to be able to quit her job and be a full-time mother again.

Tauni saw me playing a computer game yesterday and voiced some concern. You see, to her, I only play computer games when I'm depressed. Luckily, that isn't completely true, or I would have been considered chronically depressed since I was about twelve. But, there is a little grounds for worry, I guess. Though I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to fully unwind from the world each evening. Which contributes to my intermittent insomnia and a general deterioration of my temperament and sanity.

On top of it all, I think I've lost myself a little bit. A few months back I was on the fast-track to self-improvement actualization. I was doing better in almost all aspects of my life that mattered to me. But now...now I am stalled or back-sliding. In other words: If the secret to happiness is to live by what you believe, then I'm not happy.

For those of you reading the above paragraph, do not assume that I mean any extremely grievous sins. But I've almost completely ignored that banner thingy on the left (my standard) for the past several weeks, while at one point I was repeating it, or parts of it, to myself several times a day.

Now I am changing things. The ones I can, anyway. I'm taking hold of what sanity I have left and using it to bring back a little happiness. I'm tracking my food and exercise again, which means I'm eating right and exercising again. I'm being better to the people around me, especially my family. And I am being better to myself. And I hope to make it last.

Funk - Invictus

So...I've been in a bit of a funk. Not the self-destructive kind that I have plagued myself with in the past, but still a funk. I have felt demotivated and discouraged, and above all, tired.

I need a success. I need a little glimpse of glory to spur me forward and shake off the chains that are pulling me down.

I need a victory. Specifically, I need a victory at work. A big one. One of the save-my-job-or-get-a-new-one kind of victories.


In honor of my special needs I am posting my favorite poem. And, for the record, it was my favorite long before they made a movie named after it.

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

I have, always loved that poem, since the first time I read it.

If you read this, respond with an inspiring poem of you own.