Naively Optimistic for a Better 2012

I know, I know...I'm a few days late for a new years blog post. I'm a bit of a lazy blogger. I have also yet to write down any definitive resolutions.

I just hope, at this point, that 2012 doesn't hurt as much as 2011. Not just for me and my family, but for a lot of people. It seems to have been a horrible year for most people I know.

My 2011, in review:

• Had a good paying job, hated it but needed it.
• Wife gets extremely sick and has to have expensive surgeries.
• Got fired for not making sales quotas. I'm not a salesman, btw.
• Was denied unemployment so wracked up more survival debt.
• Got a new job that I like but pays very little and has crappy hours.
• Wife has more health problems.
• Got another new job, slightly better pay and hours than the other, but since I have to work both to make ends meet, it still sucks. I love this job, btw.
• Continue to work 2 jobs, for about 15 hours of work per day.
• To tired all the time to care about anything. I stop exercising. I start eating more to stay awake. And I get addicted to caffeine.
• I get fat again.
• 'Cougar Town' got cancelled.
• Still can't survive to we have to file bankruptcy. Everyone thinks we are doing just to be ass-holes. But we had no other options. Really.
• Brother-in-Law dies.

Now, I have to say that there have been some good things this year. I do have a job I love, where I get to play around with computers all day long. My kids are relatively healthy and happy. And they're doing well in school. A sister-in-law got engaged (not the same one that lost her husband). We have had a great holiday with lots of family time.

Now, in the spirit of blogging on the fly, I will now set my New Year's Resolutions as I write them. How's that for effective goal setting?

So, without further ado, and without any fore-thought whatsoever, I present you with:

Ben's New Year's Resolutions 2012

1. Lose weight. Again.
2. Break caffeine addiction.
3. Get into a house, with a yard.
4. Make enough money for Tauni to be a stay-at-home mom again.
5. Learn to play guitar. For reals.
6. Run a marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon.
7. Write a novel. (my 2013 resolution will be to get it published)
8. Spend more quality time with my wife and kids.
9. Repair damaged relationships with certain extended family members.
10. 100% Home Teaching.

There are probably a few more things I should add to that list. Maybe I'll do some mid year resolutions to round it out a bit.

Nothing to Fear...

Fear, in all of it's many disguises, has been on my mind a lot lately. I thought on it a little in my late-night stupor-induced blogging about Ferris Bueller. Fear is a big theme in my life, unfortunately. That's why I want to blog about it.

I live each day in fear. I'm not afraid of spiders, flying, heights, falling from heights, needles, tight spaces, open spaces, rodents, reptiles, public speaking, pervy old men, girls named Carrie, or even Santa Clause. What I am afraid of is much less substantial, less scary, and more debilitating. I'm afraid of failure and success.

What I don't understand is "why?" Because, if I did understand it I wouldn't be scared. Isn't that what psychology is for? Someone listens to you ramble about your problems until you figure them out for yourself? Once you get to 'why'...BAM! CURED! Right?

It would make my life easier, in some ways, to be able to sit down and say that I had a crappy childhood, or that I was sexually abused, etc. and some tears would flow. A gray haired fellow with his legs crossed the girl way would say "Ahh." and "Mhmm." a few times under his breath while doodling pictures in an official looking legal pad. I would pay him a couple hundred dollars and suddenly my life would be all better.

I do not mean to down play the importance of the noble profession of psychology/psychiatry, or belittle those that want/need it's particular breed of science. So, here is my other option:

I could have a short period, such as a few days or weeks, in which I would complete an archetypal story arc and through it all, my life would be permanently changed for the better. I would have a miserable go of it for a bit, and the audience would be emotionally vested in my successes and failures. Then I would have this great epiphany, or maybe save someone's life, solving all my problems.

After one of those possibilities, I would certainly be able to move forward with my life without my fears. I would suddenly be an unstoppable juggernaut of success. I would pity smaller men and their fears, laughing haughtily at all the world threw at me.

Alas, I cannot afford a shrink (nor do I really think that it is a quick fix), and I am not the protagonist in a movie. I'm a man in the real world. Sometimes I live all productively and happy, and life's darts seem to bound right off. Sometimes I am weaker and lower, and I'm pierced very deeply.

I battle on, trying to leave my dastardly, villainous fears behind me as I reach for the next success in my life. They creep in, though. Usually.

The jerks.

Now, how does one overcome fear? If you have a fear of heights, or spiders, or short people, it can be relatively easy. You can avoid them, or overcome them. But what about intangible fears, like mine? I can't avoid them, since I carry them inside me. The prospect of overcoming my fear of success through frequently succeeding seems like a more attractive prospect than overcoming my fear of failure the same way.

But, who knows, really? Rudyard Kipling says success and failure are both impostors. While I am inclined to believe him, he neglected to mention what they really are behind their masks. Maybe I'll get to ask him one day.

Hey, maybe I can just write a blog post about it and be cured? Maybe?